Discovering Self...

Well I suppose that I should start by telling you about the most significant part of me that will be mentioned constantly; that being that I am a Christian... which means that God is a huge part of my life. I would like it if God could be everything in my life, but because I can't ever seem to let go of EVERYTHING and give it all to Him, I find myself battling - you guessed it - myself.

Which brings me to my original thought for the day. Discovering self. People do all sorts of things to "find themselves". Now, as a Christian this concept begins to drown among all teachings of God living in our hearts, God letting his light shine through us, etc. Moreover, we are to live as Christlike as possible- at all times. Now, I am NOT going to refute this ideology whatsoever, because I am a firm believer in all the aforementioned points. However, I do want to expound on the idea of our unique individuality that God granted us when he created each and every one of us. We are given gifts. We are given specific personality traits that God EXPECTS us to embrace and develop. And here's where I dive into the selfish side of my rant for the day...

One thing I know for sure about myself (tailing a close second to knowing where I stand in my faith) is that I am a HUGE people pleaser. Ouch! That's bad. But what's worse, is having to admit an even harsher truth which is this: Because I am always out to please everyone around me, I ALWAYS lose myself in my efforts. Big ouch. Think about it. If you have ever hopped on the "people pleaser bandwagon" if even just for a short while, you can totally relate. You want to make everyone around you happy. Even if it means tweaking how you act, how you react, sometimes even how you feel on the inside. What's terrifying is that I find myself going so far as to bend my morals and standards this way and that to accomodate someone else's sub-standard behaviors. Now I understand that I went on a bit of a tangent here, but stay with me: this all ties together.

Like I said earlier, when you find yourself in a place like this- tweaking, bending, just generally morphing for those you love (and/or shouldn't be loving in the first place), you begin to lose yourself. *dramatic music enters here* I know it's not some profound statement that I'm making... it's pretty common sense. But it does stop you in your tracks if you're admitting it to yourself for the first time (which, I'm obviously doing here).

So where is the line drawn? Where do "they" end and I begin? I can't make a clear distiction anymore. I'm so lost. Somewhere within me is this intelligent, funny, slightly dramatic, sarcastic, sweet... brat! Just dying to get out. DYING to get out. And I feel like the more I suffocate her... the closer to death she gets. What's a girl to do?

I would appreciate any and all comments/suggestions/related stories you would care to share. I expect that there will be a "to be continued" post to come soon...

Till then!

~Stephanie