A Thank You Letter

A letter to a lost soul who I pray will one day be found...

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I have written so many letters to you that you have never seen, that it almost seems futile to write yet one more pouring my heart out to you: especially considering that no matter what I say, you won't change for me. Worse yet, you won't change for yourself and the betterment of your own life, or for God.

I have discovered you to be the most arrogant, insensitive, manipulative, and controlling human being I think I have ever met; and unfortunately for me, despite the constant stream of disaproval from my friends and family, I let you in. I let you in, and I let you destroy me.

In the beginning, I really thought you were something. I really thought you were this amazing person who I could TRUST. I thought you had a heart of gold, with everyone else's best interest in mind. I thought you had it all going for you : and I couldn't have been more wrong.

I don't know who you think you are. Really! I just think back sometimes on what once was: the way you talked to me... the way you treated me... how you manipulated me time and time again: all while keeping me at arm's length. All while putting me down, discouraging me, and holding me back from being who I really am.

I wish I could tell you to quit hiding behind that mask of yours: to let down your guard, realize that you're NOT the authority figure that you think you are in people's lives, to let go of the control, and humble yourself before the Lord, but I can't. You are so stubborn, that there is absolutely no way you would listen to me anyway.

But what I really wish I could say to you, above and beyond what I could say to you for your own benefit, and the benefit of others, is that YOU HURT ME. You hurt me beyond anything that I EVER thought I would allow from ANY MAN. You were downright TOXIC for me: and I deserved so much better than you. I really did. I still do! Now more than ever I know that I deserve so much better than anything you could have ever given me. While the initial shock of it all has passed, when I really think back on your arrogance, your decietfulness, and your manipulative nature, it still makes me so angry. I just really don't understand how one human being could be so heartless.

But I want you to know that regardless of how much you hurt me, and how I agonized over you for the past couple of years, that I still pray for you. I pray that God will humble your heart: that He will bring you to a place of complete and total submission to Him and His will, so that you can begin a healing process of your own that will bring about a resolution to your childhood that makes you the man that you are today. I pray that you will be set free from the spirits of control, manipulation, and anger that have bound you so tightly for all of these years.

I just pray that someday you can become the man that still, deep down inside, I know you can be: and in the meantime, I pray for myself, that I'll eventually be able to forgive you and be able to finally come to terms with it all. I have already become a stronger woman on account of this experience:

* When once you shattered my spirit, I am now more confident.

* When once you broke my heart in two, I finally allowed GOD to repair it.

* When once you made me believe I was worthless, I now know that I am priceless.

* Where once you stood in the gap, now NOTHING stands in the way of me and my Lord.

* Where once you made me lose all confidence in men, I now know that there is a man out there waiting for me who will treat me with the love, respect, and adoration that I deserve: and I will settle for NOTHING less.

Thank you for being yourself and not holding back from me: I learned who I was in the process. Thank you for mistreating me: because in the midst of that darkness, I learned that I was worth so much more. Most importantly, thank you for pushing me away: because as I left you in my most vulnerable state, I found God waiting for me with open arms.