Because I Was Told That I Am Being Cryptic Today...

...I thought I'd share with you a little story in the form of a letter to brighten your day!

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Dear Industrial-Sized Corporate Coffee-Maker,

You told me not to.

It *specifically* says to pour ONLY WATER into your top. I know, I see the sign there everyday when I go to make coffee in the morning.

But before I go any further, I HAVE to tell you: you just don't make very good coffee! I'm sorry to have to say it, but it's true! I have actually gotten into the habit of bringing my own coffee from home sometimes, because yours is just.that.bad. How can you possibly expect to produce a quality pot of coffee when you don't even let the water really mix with the grounds? I barely pour the water in, and coffee is coming out the other end! That is NOT ample time to get the full flavor of the coffee out of the grounds. It's JUST NOT!!

So yesterday afternoon, when I was out of my own coffee and needed a little pick-me up: do you remember this? I went to make a half pot. I came to you, hoping that you would come through for me. But alas, the coffee (no matter how strong I attempted to make it) came out weak-smelling and tasteless.

I sat there for quite a bit, coffee pot in hand, staring at your "POUR IN WATER ONLY" sign, really questioning the reasoning behind these instructions. I figured, if I were to pour this coffee back into your top, it would get another "go" at filtering through the coffee, thereby enhancing the flavor of the end product. So as I'm looking at this sign, I begin to rationalize this in my head: "Well, that must simply mean 'don't pour chocolate milk in here' or 'this is NOT where the coffee grounds go'. I mean, really: what could POSSIBLY happen if I ran the coffee through you one more time, right?

Even after all of this self-talk that I was engaging myself in, convincing myself that I wouldn't break you, I still, in the back of my mind knew that there was only about a 5% chance that this would actually end in my favor. And well, I don't have to tell you the rest, but I will anyway just to refresh your memory:

I DID IT ANYWAY.

I dumped that coffee right back into the place where you specifically warn us to "POUR IN WATER ONLY", because, well. . . . I'm just a risk-taker like that. (Or something.) But what to my wondering eyes should appear, but lighter coffee out the other end! Lighter and weaker, and more tasteless than before!

WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?!!!!

I can't believe this is happening! I think to myself, I did it again! Another ridiculous antic to add to the "Chronicles of Stephanie's Brainless Workplace Moments"!! I have to fix this!!!

So, my dear Industrial-Sized Corporate Coffee-Maker, in a desperate attempt to save you (and not for your sake, but for my job), I spent the next hour: HOUR! running plain water through you to clean you out. What was your PROBLEM??? You couldn't cooperate? Even just a little bit? And after all that work, I attempted to make a new pot of coffee. I figured that after all we had been through together, that you might be good to me. I ran the water through the grounds ONCE: and do you know what I found?


YOUR COFFEE STILL TASTED LIKE CRAP!

COME ON!!! I can't BELIEVE YOU!!!

Well, I know one thing for darn sure:

We'll be trading you in for a new model.

Yours Truly,

Stephanie (coffee-fanatic, your worst enemy)