I was talking with a friend the other night over coffee (yes, at Starbucks, and yes, by the fireplace), and he got my my wheels a-turnin' about a few things.
This friend was telling me about a relationship that he recently had to put a stop to for many different reasons, and how hard it has been for him to stick with it. Being an expert in that particular area, having experienced a similar situation on a much grander scale in the not-so-distant past, I felt a certain authority and obligation to talk with him on this matter. And boy, did I talk.
I began by telling him that many of us tend to be of the "people-pleasing" variety: we tend to do anything to make those around us happy, comfortable, and loved: even if it means sacrificing our own happiness and sanity. Typically, we're desiring three very specific results from this type of behavior:
A. We're hoping that by catering to this person's every need and every emotional whim, we in turn, will win that person's affections on account of the fact that we are always the one who's "there" for them.
B. On that same train of thought, we all have a desire to feel needed: just like we all desire to be known by someone. Therefore, by feeding into the object of our affections, ie: investing our time, energy, and emotions, we tend to become the "one to go to", the one they choose to spend thier time with. That satisfies that both of the aforementioned desires.
C. We're hoping that once we "get in there" and really play an important role in that person's life, that we can somehow change them: that we can help them.
On that note, what if the object of our affections has some things they struggle with, that they really do need changed? What if they have internal issues they need to deal with, or an addiction they battle? Well, if you're anything like me, this will be an attractive quality (in the dysfunctional sense of course), because you'll want to help them. You'll want to change them for thier benefit. But maybe, just maybe, consider the possibility that it's for your benefit as well. This goes back to the three points listed above. You want to be that friend to lean on, that shoulder to cry on. What is the end result we're desiring here people?
L.O.V.E.
Am I wrong? Think about it! It can be the love of a parent. The love of a family member, a spouse, a friend, or a potential mate. This my friends, is co-dependency. No, I'm not going to launch into a big long lecture on the psychology of co-dependency, because frankly, we're all co-dependent, even if it's just a little bit. Friendship is a form of co-dependency, mother-daughter relationships, father-son relationships, spousal relationships: I don't care what type of relationship it is, it's co-dependent. But there's healthy co-dependency, and there's the unhealthy variety.
It's the unhealthy variety of co-dependency that we need to be wary of.
Throughout my life, I have always bandaged my internal wounds, my struggles, with someone else's wounds and struggles. In other words, I always tried to fix everyone else's problems, in an effort to forget my own. I couldn't understand why, for so long, I seemed to magnetically attract the most dysfunctional men. The funny part about it is, sometimes I would date them, but more often than not, we were "just friends". Now I put that in quotations for a reason, because I would usually play the part of the girlfriend without the "official title". We would fall into a pattern which was always very easy for me to fall into: I had an emotional need to be filled, Mr. X did too, and while he could have been the scummiest of scummies (which, usually they were, and yes, I did say scummies), he filled a void. (Oh, I could go on a tangent right now about that God-shaped hole that we're always talking about, but I'm sure you made that connection on your own, so I won't launch into a lecture on that right now either. I'm doing my best to stay on the topic at hand, as to not make this a novel.) So while, yes, he filled a void, there would also be things about him that I thought I could change, or I thought he needed to be freed from, and well, "I was just the girl to do it!"
Well, would you believe that I didn't break this cycle until a year and a half into my walk with Christ? While yes, I was finally trying to squeeze God a bit into that void, I was still giving the majority of that space to a guy! Would you also believe that that guy happened to be the MOST dysfunctional, abusive mess that I had EVER dealt with, and that he was also a CHRISTIAN? Funny how God teaches us lessons, don't you think? One of the lessons that I learned in all of this was that I can't fix anyone. I can't be the band-aid to temporarily cover someone else's wounds, because that's only a temporary fix. I can't be the one to prop someone up in an effort to keep them from hitting rock-bottom.
Because sometimes, you just have to let people fall flat on thier faces.
I've learned so many things from this man, and while he hurt me beyond measure, beyond anything I'll EVER tolerate from another human being EVER again, I'm so grateful for my experience with him. I really GET what God was trying to teach me by letting me go through it. Another thing I realized, and this came up in conversation with my Starbucks buddy the other night, is that, because I spent all this time on all of these other people, that I conveniently forgot about myself. Well let me tell you: when I finally gave over all of those desires, needs and wants to God (needing to be needed, desiring to be known, etc...), well, God apparently thought I was "ready", and opened the floodgates of my life on me. I was finally not obsessing over someone else's life, problems, and interactions with me, rather, I found myself alone with my thoughts: my innermost thoughts. My past. My hurts. My pain. The relationships in my life that mean the most to me - that have been around forever. So for the past few months, I've been dealing with twenty-some years of... me. Can you imagine? It's been a very stressful, yet very healing time for me. AND I'm getting to know more of God, which, I think was the whole purpose for all of this in the first place.
What, you ask, might be my point in this "Stephanie tangent time" that I've subjected you to?
My point is a simple concept that many of us can't seem to wrap our minds around. It's a concept that we either truly don't understand or choose not to, for fear that if we embrace it, we will be left without the object of our desires/affections. Or worse yet, "left alone with ourselves", to figure out what we are truly about- without the influence of anyone else confusing the process. That concept is simply this:
YOU can't change anyone but yourself.
Did you get that?
Hmmm. I don't know that I believe you. Let me say it again.
YOU. CAN'T. CHANGE. ANYONE. BUT. YOURSELF.
You're seeing it. You're absorbing it. But do you really believe it? It took me twenty some years to figure out that concept. And it took one very heart-wrenching situation to really get it. "Well, but if I can't change them, then what do I do?" you ask. It's really simple.
You let that person go.
Let me tell you this. It's OKAY to let people go. It's okay to burn bridges and sever ties. Why? Because... oh wait. This deserves to stand alone too:
It's not healthy for your heart, your mind, your body, or your spirit for you to stay in a situation in which YOU are constantly trying to do something that never produces your desired result.
Ever tried to move a brick wall by yourself? No? Go ahead and try. It's okay. I'll wait.
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So how'd that work out for you? Did you get anywhere? Are your muscles sore? Are you out of breath? Are you frustrated, irritated, discouraged, and drained? Yes? Well, that's very similar to the feelings we experience when we put all of our heart and soul into someone who isn't willing to change. They are that brick wall: and no matter how hard we try, we, in all of our strength and might, will likely not be able to make them budge on our own. However, can you think of anything that might actually make that brick wall move? Maybe even crumble?
The first thing that comes to my mind is explosives. That makes sense, right? Because if we're relating a stubborn, dysfunctional person to a brick wall, well, we don't want them to just move a bit, do we? We want them to crumble. We want them to hit rock bottom, to really understand what's wrong with thier lives, so they can begin to build themselves back up in a healthy, functional way, right? So what, in our little analogy, would those explosives be? What do these people need that we (the wall movers), can't give them?
They need G.O.D.
They don't need us trying to FORCE them to do something that they don't want to do, or don't quite know how to do! However, what we CAN do, and what we SHOULD be doing for those people is praying for them. Nothing is impossible with God! Nothing! But what we need to remember, is that while we're praying, we need to keep our noses out of it. God's got it handled! You've tried, and tried, and tried, to absolutely no avail, right? You've made your point a hundred times. You've given up SO much. You've taken all the arguing and yelling that you can possibly handle short of losing your mind. You've taken all the abuse, or neglect, pain, etc... that. you. can. possibly. handle. So to you, the tender soul, I say this:
Let go, and let GOD.
Let go, let GOD, and get going on your own life! And please, my dear friends, remeber a few other things while you're getting on with the "letting go, and the going":
A. We need to stop being selfish in our relationships with others. Always be striving for Agape Love, the love which transcends our own needs and wants. That way, we can love others, without the "alterior motive".
B. While it's important to spend time praying for those who may have wounded us, who we may have had to remove from our lives, we need to also remember to be praying for our own lives: our own healing, and our own futures. Give God the chance to make some changes within you - again, without the distraction of someone else's needs and wants taking precedence over your own.
C. As my pastor's amazing wife likes to tell me: "Take your spiritual medicine young lady!" Stay in God's Word, as much as time will allow you, because it's through His Word that we are built up. His Word is our armor: and the more we read, the more wisdom, strength, and knowledge we'll have in Christ to move forward in positive, healthy ways in future relationships.
I know it's not easy to heed the advice of others, because we always want to "figure it out for ourselves". But friends, take it from someone who's been there: you're never going to find healing within yourselves, until you truly let go of the need to "fix others". Besides, you're not doing these people any favors by being their band-aids. Remember: if you really give it over to God, you'll begin to see miracles take place in your own lives.
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Well alright! You all have truly made it through the long haul with me this time! And honestly: this isn't even close to where I would have liked this post to be, so I guess we'll call it a "rough draft" for now. It became so long only because of how close to my heart this subject is for me. My hope is that anyone who stumbles across this might take a little piece here and a little piece there, knowing that these words are coming from a woman who has "been there", and trust me: I'm still learning from my experiences. But one thing I do know for sure is this:
As hard as it is to 'let go', sometimes, it is the best thing for us.
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***For those of you who were participating in the "Theology Recap Wednesday - REVISED" discussion, please feel free to stop back over to that post, as I finally responded to some of your comments this morning! Thanks for all of your thoughts, and I look forward to more thought-provoking discussions to come!***
