Ode To The Right-Brainer

I'm a singer.

I'm a writer

I'm an artist.

I'm a musician.

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I am a right-brainer.

What does that mean, you ask? Funny, actually, that you do ask (assuming that you did), because to be completely honest, I didn't know what that meant either up until recently. I just always thought there was something wrong with me because I exhibited all of these off-beat, slightly quirky characteristics and means of accomplishing things that no one ever quite understood. Remember my reference to my Phoebe-like tendencies? Yeah, it's kind of like that.

Don't get me wrong: even though I've managed to make a royal mess of my life a few (many) times in the past, I've always been praised for my creative talents nonetheless. That's not the issue. It's just all of the not-so glorious qualities that comes along with being a right brained thinker (the side which harbors our creative tendencies, giftings, and our emotions) that got me into a lot of trouble.

This is just a small compilation of right brained characteristics provided by a number of different websites:

- Free association

- No sense of time

- Lacks organizational skills

- Doesn't usually follow through with projects

- Likes to know why things are done certain ways/why rules exist

- Processes information in varied order

- Impulsive

- Responds to emotion

- Less punctual (ummm... no kidding)

- Random

- Visual

Now really, I could go on and on here about all of these extremely charming traits (sense the oozing sarcasm?), but I'll spare you the special torture. The bottom line here is this: I think a lot - and I mean A LOT - of creative right-brained people are terribly misunderstood. They can have a tendency to be extremely emotional and rather scattered at times, however at the same time, tend to fall into that "gifted and talented" catergory. Sometimes I think that right-brainers are a psychiatrist's dream: rather than attributing a right-brainer's off-beat tendencies to creativity, the psychiatric community would rather diagnose these people with ADD, ADHD, bi-polar disorder, and a myriad of other mental and emotional "disabilities".

How unfortunate is it for the creative thinker that many of them are being put in a box? Very often as children, these people are being stifled because in an educational system generally geared toward left-brained learners, thier creativity, thier gifts aren't being nurtured properly. These children (and adults) are visual learners, and typically, our educational systerm is not completely set up to cater to that type of learning style. Parents are told that thier children have ADHD or another learning disability, and shortly thereafter, they're being medicated. They're constantly being told to "sit still".

I remember all too well how hard it was as a child to keep still (even as an adult this still plagues me!), and how everyone around me could not understand why I was always so antsy. Why I never listened in class. Why I daydreamed all the time. All of my growing up years, everyone just thought I was "lazy": that I didn't want to work hard for the things that would bring me success. Heading into college, I believe there was some truth to that, but who of us don't screw up our freshman year? (If you didn't, I don't want hear about it. lol Let me have this one, okay?) I've always had "screwed up priorities". "Forget about being in the band, you have bills to pay missy!" There's definitely some truth to that too, but the point is, I very much had a one-track mind, and what I really excelled at was music. Four years of choir, four musicals, four talent shows, two battles of the bands, and countless hours on the floor of my bedroom with my guitar, and in front of the mirror singing away during my high school years could have possibly been a clue to those around me as to what my "problem" was. And more often than not, I very often had trouble communicating with my parents when I was growing up, because they didn't understand me and why my priorities always seemed SO insanely backward.

As an adult, many of these aspects of my personality and learning style still hold true, but by the grace of God I am a changed woman. I think I am a much better balance than I used to be. Prior to my salvation, I was a mess (as many of us were before we found God). I've read this many times before (and I'm sure that any true right-brainer who reads this can attest to it in some way or another) that creative thinkers are also very addictive personalities. "If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing": the right-brainer's anthem. It's scary to ponder the fact that many, many right-brained thinkers fall victim to the dark side of creativity. Just look at Kurt Cobain. Very extreme example, but true no less. Very many people don't know what to do with thier "differences", with all of thier ideas, and they give into depression, anxiety, among other very real, very scary emotional problems, addictions...religions. I was no different. While I DO think I had a drinking problem at some point, I absolutely know that I never became an alcoholic, but I was a heavy smoker, a very heavy drinker, an addict of the party lifestyle, and a prisoner to my own dark mind. However, by the Grace of God, I was pulled out of that life, and He is now using the gifts He's given me in mighty ways, and is refining me for more good works each and every day. **And as a disclaimer on this entire issue, I would just like to say, that I absolutely LOVE being a creative right-brainer, and I would encourage anyone who suspects that they are too to embrace it. It's an amazing adventure, an often difficult one, but rewarding no less. I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, I'm a little "unhinged", but that's what makes me "unique", right?**

My prayer today is that any right-brained, creative thinker who comes across this site will find a little solace in my musings. That they'll know that it's okay to be a little quirky: a little off-beat: a little Phoebe-ish. After all, God made you that way! Embrace it! Please understand that I'm certainly not saying that this is an excuse for being lazy, or disorganized, or anything of the sort, because honestly, even the most affected right-brainer can overcome those things. I'm not even discrediting the reality of learning disabilities. I know that they can be very real to very many people. However, I'm just putting it out there (and I know that I'm certainly not the first) that there may be alternative methods of remedying these "problems" in some cases, rather than always just "sedating" these children and adults. For me, it was Jesus.

But then again, everything in my life always circles back to Him.

If you're feeling "unhinged", if you feel you need something greater than yourself to help you truly discover you, then look up. He can work in your life just the same as He did in mine. All you have to do is invite Him into your heart. Simple as that.

Interested in which half of your brain you mainly use?

You Are 20% Left Brained, 80% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

"Cut Your Own Christmas Tree" Debacle 2005

You didn't actually think I'd forget, did you?

So really, when I say debacle, I mean debacle. Each year since my parents moved far far away from Milwaukee (and by each year, I mean last year and this), we have partaken in the tradition of cutting down our very own, very much alive Christmas tree from the nursery down the street from the 'rents house. This is actually a very nice, quiet, family owned nursery, tucked away deep in the recesses of the countryside, made popular by local residents, visited by few outsiders. This place is unique only because being family owned, it is actually on said family's home property: basically, thier backyard is home to thousands of pine trees all of varying shape, size, color, and type. There are quite a number of windy-twisty trails in this man-made pine forest, solely for the purpose of guiding the eager lumberjack to his (or her!) prefered type of tree: Balsam, Douglas, Fraser... your choice! Just follow the designated trail (in your own vehicle) to your desired grouping of pines, or...

For No! Extra! Charge! You can partake in the whole experience, and have one of our nursery staff guide you back on your very own Christmas! Hayride! and guide you through the process step. by. step.

I choose the experience.

Mom chooses the experience.

Dad rolls his eyes.
"It's twenty freakin' degrees outside. It's snowing like crazy out here. I have a saw, I have a pick-up truck, let's just get in there, pick out our perfect tree, and haul 'er out!"

Mom and I in a perfect sing-songy sort of whiney unison: "Noooooooooo! We want the experience!"

Dad sighs. "The experience it is then."

So, we unload out of the truck and parouse the wreaths and enjoy some hot cider and cookies while they put the finishing touches on the tractor, and brush the snow out of the wagon so we all have a clean, somewhat dry place to sit.

"All aboard!"

Time to go. So, we all pile into the wagon which once seemed rather large, but after every last body assumed it's position, our spacious wagon suddenly became quite cramped... and apparently a bit on the heavy side as well. We came to our first little hill, and our monster tractor started reminding me of the Little Engine That Could. "I think I can... I think I can...". It couldn't. Monster wheels were spinning in the snow and mud making a nice brown goo-like substance which was being flung every which way, luckily missing most of us passengers.

Out of nowhere, comes another tractor, this one with a plow attatched to the front of it. So, it positions itself behind us and gives us a "little" push to get us going again. It worked. Off we go! Now let me just interject here and say that I had very foolishly declined the "long under-things" that my parents offered me before we left, so here I am, out in the freezing-snowy-wilderness in a jacket, jeans, and tennis shoes. And I. Am. Freezing. So much so, that already at this point, I'm losing feeling on the tops of my legs. Little worried at this point, but I figure I've weathered many winters in jeans... I'll be fine.

So! We come to the second hill... stuck again. This time, our gracious host, decides, "Well! This looks good! Get to choppin' people!" So, we all charge out of the wagon, eager to hunt down our prized beauties. Virtually every tree that my mom or I come across, it's, "Look at that one! It's perfect!" My dad had to be the kill-joy and say something like, "It's 15 feet tall!" Me: "SO?!?" Well, needless to say, this went on for quite awhile. During all of this, my legs began hurting they were so cold and numb, so I had to take off my jacket and wrap it around my legs. I looked like a fool, for those of you who may not have already developed a mental image here. Well, after quite a bit of time, we decided we were just too stinkin' cold to care anymore, and came across a tree that was "nice, big, tall... it's a tree! Let's chop it down and get the crap out of here! It's coooooooooold!! And they're going to leave us if we don't hurry up!" As we're dragging our tree down the hill to head back to the wagon, the silence around us was... eery. "Where are all the people...?" I ask. We look around us. No. one. anywhere. to. be. found. They really left us?!

C.R.A.P.

Did I happen to mention that I'm COLD?!?!

Mom: "So what do we do?"

Me: "I'm walkin'! Who's with me?!"

Leaving our prized Christmas tree behind, we begin our long, confusing hike back to the barn. No one is talking. We're cold, and I'm cranky. This certainly is an experience alright... During our journey back, we come to the river which I failed to mention earlier: we had to drive through it on the way there because the bridge was out. So now, we're standing at the edge of the little half-frozen obstacle wondering how the heck we're going to do this. Well, I decided to take my chances and walk off the beaten path, and try to find some rocks to step on... lo and behold, there were a couple of two by fours that could be used as a make-shift bridge: and we did just that. Dad went first to make sure it was sturdy, and mom and I followed. Okay. Half-way there.

Well, I could go on and on about our journey back to the barn, but let's just say, that we ran into a kid who worked there who was zipping around on a four-wheeler (they literally had NO clue that they forgot us out there), and he appologized all over his little self, and gave us directions back. We were only a couple of blocks away. Well, suffice it to say when we finally made it back, the "tree people" were slightly remorseful, the owner was terribly confused as to how we could have possibly been left behind, and proceeded to give our "gracious guide" the "what-for" as my mom calls it. We got a nice discount on our tree, and headed home with our 10-footer.

But the story doesn't end there. Oh no.

Remember the numb legs? Remember how I was slightly concerned about them? Well, when we got home, they looked like I had taken a clothing iron to the tops of both of them. They were red and puffy and looked.. well.. nasty. So mom freaked out, looked up "frost bite" online, realized that I was exhibiting some symptoms and demanded that I get in the tub because "it says here that you're supposed to soak affected body parts in a warm bath for thirty minutes. Warm. Not hot." So I had to sit in a luke warm bath for thirty minutes. That was fun. But it sure was effective. Thanks to my quick-thinking mom, I was spared two leg amputations that day. Thanks mom. But seriously.. I'm pretty sure I was only moments away from serious frost bite. Love you mom!

So the moral of the story? If you're planning on cutting down your own Christmas tree (Shenna), make sure to take the proper precautions: long undy-thingies, plenty of warm clothing, and water in case you're "left behind". But truly, if you want to avoid a "near death experience", I recommend taking your own vehicle down the not-so-beaten-paths to get your tree. But if you must experience the... experience, bring flares. They'll come in handy. Trust me.

Thanksgiving Night...

So I went slightly picture-happy on Thanksgiving night with my step-dad's digital camera, and took a bunch of photos of our small little soiree:

Me and Mom: Isn't she the cutest?!

Oz, aka: kitty-pants, aka: orange, aka: the cutest cat in the world: my cat. Who my parents stole from me 4 years ago.

Me and my grandpa.

Our sideways dinner table. Tilt your head to the right to get the full effect... because apparently I'm not very computer saavy quite yet.

A slightly different view...

My sweetie-pie puppy: Bruiser. I bought him for my parents right before I left for college 7 years ago. Eeeew. 7 years ago. That's scary... lol

I tried to take a picture of my cat and I together... but umm... well, I didn't suceed as you can tell... so you just get to look at my mug again.

My grandma and I: she's the cutest too! We had to take about 5 pictures together before one turned out that she liked. She claims that the camera doesn't like her. I disagree.

All in all, we had a grand total of 5 of us sharing a Thanksgiving meal this year which has actually happened in years past. We have a small little family, but we like it that way. Sometimes the others (cousins) show up, but that's dependent upon whether or not other family members of thiers are hosting a meal as well. So, it's really hit or miss on big holidays for us, but as you can tell, no matter what happens, we manage to have a great time with or without a house-full.

Since we did have a small bunch this year, mom decided to go gourmet on us, and try a few more time consuming dishes like a garlic-onion turkey, italian mashed potatoes, homemade cranberries, and pesto-rolls. mmmm-MMM! We were all very spoiled this year, but no matter what still concured that the traditional basted turkey still reigns supreme.

So how did everyone else's Thanksgiving go?

Oh and by the way..."Christmas tree cutting-down debacle of 2005" story to come soon...

I Am Thankful For...

The Best. Meal. Ever.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!!!

Just in case you were wondering what it's like living in the "Frozen Tundra":

Did you notice?!? Twenty three degrees on Thanksgiving. Twenty three degrees!!! When did I move to Alaska?! Just curious.

Well anyway, here's to a wonderful long holiday weekend (yipeeee!), giving thanks to our Father for all that He's given us, as well as the family and friends that we'll share this joyous holiday with. Oh yeah: and yay God for the OUTSTANDING meal that my mother will undoubtedly make on Thanksgiving Day! *Kissing my fingers like an old Italian guy* <--- I just figured you might need that visual. lol

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

50 Things Everyone Should Know About Moi

... in no particular order...

1. I'm a Christian. Hmmm. I wonder if that was a mystery to anyone.

2. I love animals. (Except cats kind of annoy me: but they still have thier cute moments.)

3. I love to travel. I have a rather exhaustive list of destinations that I have traveled to, and I plan to add to it. Actually, I'll be adding Seattle to my list this Christmas (going to visit my dad and step-mom)... so excited to see Mt. St. Helens and eat TONS of seafood.

4. I L O V E Christmas. Love it. Already listening to Christmas music, and actually ATTEMPTED to get my tree this past weekend. Who would have thought that most places don't start selling trees until AFTER Thanksgiving? What the crap is that about?

5. I use the phrase "what the crap" quite a bit. Can't decide if that's a bad thing or not.

6. I'm very spontaneous. I tend to live by the seat of my pants (not always a good thing.)

7. I love to sing. Again, wondering if this was a mystery to anyone.

8. I'm a social butterfly.

9. It's not very often that I enjoy being alone, but when I am, I like to light a few candles in my bedroom and play my guitar, read (my bible or one of the countless other books that I own), listen to classical or jazz while reading, or just lay in my super comfy bed and watch a movie.

10. I just recently took up the guitar again, and I don't have time to practice. But I'm going to start making time. You don't get good by just watching it sit in the corner.

11. I intend on learning how to play the piano (for real this time). Took lessons a few times and had to take a class in college. For some reason, it just didn't stick. But I have a keyboard that sits in the corner of my room too. Poor neglected instruments.

12. I hate it when people poke me to get my attention. Tell me that doesn't annoy you too. It's okay when kids do it, but adults should know better.

13. I love kids. In fact, I'm a kid magnet (I know I've said this before, but I'm just reiterating): so much in fact, that I can hardly walk through the halls in church without being attacked by one of my little ankle-biting friends. Love them all.

14. I tend to be completely disorganized. I'm sure you can figure that out by my random thought processes. This is not a character trait that I like. In fact, it is something that I pray I can change.

15. I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up.

16. I love to learn. I get overly excited about school and reading and learning and... all that great stuff! Click here to see what I'm talking about.

17. I am very emotional. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve quite a bit.

18. I am very compassionate toward people in need.

19. I can be moody sometimes.

20. I don't like brussel sprouts.. or mushrooms unless it's with steak, or if there's a dish made with sauteed mushrooms in it. But even then I probably won't eat the mushrooms: just the sauce.

21. I love to hike. I hiked in Sedona, AZ. two summers ago: SO beautiful. I would LOVE to hike the Grand Canyon.

22. I went surfing for the first time in San Diego on that same vacation, and on my second day of surfing, my surboard whacked me in the face. I still have the scars (and pictures) to prove it.

23. I've held a tarantula (same vacation: in Sedona) even though I tend to be very bug-a-phobic.

24. I went on a vacation two summers ago, where we flew into Vegas, stayed for a few days, headed out to San Diego, stayed for 4 days, and then flew to Phoenix for the last five days. Lots of memories there.

25. When I tan, I get pretty dark. Many people have asked if I was Hispanic. Only in the summers though.

26. I'm very German, with some Irish, Austrian, Bohemian, and we're pretty sure there's some Black Irish in there too. Have to check geneology on that one to be absolutely sure though.

27. I've gone to four colleges. Right now I'm attending a bible college in a questionable area of town. Thier focus: urban ministry. It's been interesting so far.

28. The first school I went to was UW-Stevens Point. There, I majored in vocal performance for a year and took virtually all music classes. I was in a vocal jazz choir which I loved, but I hated music theory, which was why I dropped the program. Really wish I hadn't though.

29. I have the coolest grandpa in the world. He was a marine and his infantry (troop, whatever. I don't know technical terms) was the first ever to test the nuclear bomb. They underestimated and were too close the first round. My grandfather is one of the only ones still physically unaffected.

30. I like to fish.

31. I love the outdoors. Stick me in the middle of the woods, and I'm a happy girl.

32. I love snow. Until Christmas is over. Then I want summer or fall back.

33. I LOVE fall. Love it. I've talked about this before too, but I love all things fall: pumpkin pie, candles, and ice cream (yes, they make pumkin ice cream), fireplaces, colors, apples (I try to make apple sauce every fall), apple cider, etc.

34. When Christmas comes around, I get very excited about Christmas tastes and smells. Gingerbread lattes from Starbucks, Vanilla Bean Noel lotion from Bath and Body works, gingerbread ice cream by Edy's... I could be a walking advertisement for all things seasonal, I know. But who doesn't love all of this stuff? It's what makes the holidays!

35. I have the greatest parents ever. My mom is just like me and we have WAY too much fun together; she's also an extremely giving and compassionate woman. Always looking to help others. My step dad is one of the most thoughtful people I know: my mom and I are first priority. He's great. My dad is a funny guy. We have the same sense of humor, and he cracks me up. My step-mom is a very spiritual lady: very good for spiritual guidance. Oh and what the heck. Love my grandparents too: I'm thier only grandchild, and they're my dad's parents: but still get along with my mom and step-dad. In fact, my mom still calls grandma her "mother-in-law", and they come over for all holidays and birthdays and random dinners. It's kind of a different situation, but a cool one.

36. I have a cat named Oz who I got from the Humane Society when he was two. He's now 7, and has lived with my parents for 4 years. He likes them better: he bites me. lol

37. This past spring I lost 40 pounds. I want to lose some more though.

38. I'm convinced that most men are scared of tall women. I'm 5'9" and haven't had a boyfriend for quite a number of years. I've had a number of pseudo-boyfriends who weren't worth my time, but no one serious and committed to me since I was 20.

39. I want to be a wife and a mom someday.

40. I'd like to live the nice suburban life, but I'm open to whatever or wherever God leads me.

41. I'm a hopeless romantic.

42. I officially have extremely high standards when it comes to men. I know I've said it before, but the man who gets to have me will move heaven and earth to do so.

43. I love chocolate. Yippee for chocolate.

44. I have some of the greatest friends on earth. They love me, and protect me, and help me make decisions regarding things that I might otherwise screw up due to my spontaneous nature.

45. I used to smoke a pack a day of cigarettes: I have asthma, and am allergies to cigarette smoke but did it anyway. *rolling eyes at myself*. Gotta love God and His redeeming grace and mercy. He freed me of that bondage and healed my singing voice. God's so cool!

46. I LOVE gospel music. In fact, if I had my way, that's all I'd sing.

47. I'm in a gospel band which I absolutely LOVE. Currently, my roommate and I are the only two singers apart from the lead and the pianist. But for some reason, we produce a pretty solid sound. The instrumentalists alone are incredibly talented, and have been playing together for years. VERY excited to see what God will do with this ministry. Website will be up soon: I'll post the link when things are up and running.

48. I love coffee. There's a guy at my church who roasts his own coffee and I'm officially addicted. It's SO good. Beats Starbucks, beats Millstone. Peter coffee, I call it. Best stuff ever.

49. I love deep thinking and debating. Did it all the time over coffee in college. But that was B.C., and let me tell you... very interesting theories came from those conversations. Now I love to dig into the Word and discussing it. There's so much to find in there!

50. If I could drop everything I'm doing right now and have the rest of the day to do whatever I wanted, I would...

Steal my mom away from whatever she's doing and take her to a movie and dinner and/or Christmas shopping. Fun.

A Whole Mess Of Texans... And an Oregonian in a Pear Treeeeeeeeeeee!

I don't quite know why, but that was just floating around in my head, and I felt that I just must share it with you all. This little ditty has inspired a "two post Friday" in which I'm going to sing praises to God for the amazing and wondrous people he has guided me to within the vast chasm of the blog-o-verse. When I first started blogging, I randomly stumbled across Steve, who I'll talk about a little later in this post. But it was through him that I met every single other amazing person that I now blog with, who have all, in thier own right, blessed me beyond measure for the past several months.

Katie, the wonderful, inspirational ball of Texas sweetness that she is, blesses me everyday with her amazing, thought-provoking musings. Even when she's just being silly for the sake of comic relief, she's a blessing. say hello. You'll be happy you did.

Then there's sweet, innocent JCol, also from Texas, who, after you get to know her a bit, isn't so innocent all the time. lol But she's forever sweet, and has a heart the size of... well... Texas!

Jess, (yet again, another Texan: are you sensing a trend here?) is a constant source of amusement for me. I swear, when I go down there to visit all of them, I will demand a stand-up monologue from this woman. She's hilarious. Stop by, say, "what up!", and prepare to be thoroughly amused.

Oh, Eddo. What can I say about Eddo? Gentle giant Texan with a heart of gold, and a sense of humor like no other. Stop in, say hello, and love all over Eddo. He deserves it!

I could go on for quite a bit more in terms of my Texas friends, but these were the original four that I met shortly after I started this blog.

The reason I met them was all because of a guy named Steve. Good old Steve from Oregon. I literally was pressing the "next" button on blogger one day, parousing random blogs, and there he was, in all of his goofy mudding-in-his-jeep glory: and I became hooked. Steve, even over the short time that I've known him, has developed and begun a new journey in which he has chosen to bare his soul to all the world and share with all of us his story. Many of us have become truly captivated by his detailed account of his own personal struggles with drug addiction, personal pain, suffering, and yet a his beautiful story of redemption: and we have found ourselves going back daily to read his newest additions. Please go visit Steve: read his story, say hello, and lift this brother of ours up in prayer. Let's thank God for his miracle working power in all of us: incredibly displayed in people like Steve.

Thanks Steve, for being an amazing witness to all of us: and to those unsaved people out there who desperately need to hear of God's mercy and grace.

Dude. Ben. You Rock.

I'd like to give a shout out to my boy (who am I, Eminem?) Ben, who did an absolutely FABULOUS job on spicing up my site! Spicing up? What am I talking about? The man totally and completely revamped it - and it's gorgemous!!!

So thanks again to Ben for all his efforts. I'd really like to repay him in some fashion or another: I offered to send he and his family a Turkey for Thanksgiving. Apparently they have that all taken care of. Then I thought that a pumpkin pie might do the trick: but I just don't feel like that would be enough...

Any suggestions?

How To Woo Me If Your Name Is Jadon Lavik

In an attempt to make myself visible just in case he happens to Google himself (visit Katie to see the origination of this concept), I have decided to compile a list of things that, if he finds me, Mr. Lavik should know so that he can more effectively woo me. Bear in mind that these points are not in order of least to greatest or vice-versa. They are each as important as the next and the one before it. So Jadon, if you're reading this: please know that in order to really make me fall head over heels for you, you'll need to accomplish each and every one of these tasks:

A. Write me a song - then sing it to me. Oh yes, it's that important that you impart upon me your God-given talents as a singer-songwriter. I didn't initially become attracted to you for your good looks you know! (Although after I heard your song on the radio, called the radio station to get your name, and then finally Googled you to put a face to the heavenly voice: well let's just say I wasn't disappointed, okay?)

B. Refrain from calling me a stalker. Cause I'm not one. Really! I promise you I'm not! I just think you're really really dreamy, that's all!

C. Send me flowers. Do I really need to explain this one?

D. Oooh! OOOH! Write me poetry. Because if your poetry is anything like the lyrics you write... I'll be putty in your hands.

E. Have I mentioned yet that I like chocolate? No? Well, I do. Bear that in mind when you take me on our first date. I'm just saying...

***I would just like to say that the last three requirements are totally girly. I'm well aware of this. But guess what? I've NEVER had a guy send me flowers, write me poetry, or buy me chocolate. So I don't think it's all that unreasonable to ask it of the man who will eventually sweep me off my feet. Jadon Lavik. In case you didn't catch that earlier. Okay...anyway, back to our original programming already in progress...***

F. Don't be married. Well, just because that would kind of throw a major wrench in my plans. I mean... our plans. *wink wink!* *rolling eyes at myself*

G. On that first date that we go on where you bring me chocolates, pick me up. But you'll likely have to sit and wait for me for a bit. It's okay though, because it gives you time to make a really good impression on my roommate: every guy has to pass the "Leah Test". Yes, even you! Just because you're a famous Christian singer doesn't mean you're exempt! But here's a tip to undoubtedly get you in her good graces: ask to see pictures of her cats. You will instantly be her best friend.

H. Come to my church to hear me sing sometime. You will score MAJOR points if you do that. I'm serious.

I. Make me dinner. I'm a huge fan of lemon chicken piccatta. Think you can hack it? Well, if not, my mom can teach you. She's an outstanding cook. Which actually brings me to my next point...

J. Learn to love my mother. If you can't, this just won't work out. Besides, she's actually very easy to get along with: she's just like me! You shouldn't have any problems with this one.

K. Take me to the theatre. Broadway is preferable, but I'll take anything. I love going to the theatre.

Last but not least...

L. Invite me to one of your shows, and stick me in the front row so I get a rockstar view of you displaying all of that amazing talent. Just don't pull me on stage and sing to me. I don't like being put on the spot like that. Unless of course you want me to sing with you: that's a whole different story entirely. We can talk about that.

That's it! So Jadon, if you're out there, and you do happen to stumble across this, know two things: 1. I'm really not crazy: slightly unhinged at times maybe, but definitely not crazy. And 2. I promise you that if you pursue me and accomplish all of the above, your life will never be the same. In a good way of course: there will never again be a dull moment, that's for sure!

***Attention all bloggy-friends: In an effort to better my dating life and of course Jadon's experience, please let me know if I can in any way add or subract from this list. After all, I am a sane and stable woman: and this exhaustive, completely irrational list should reflect that as best as possible. Your imput would be greatly appreciated. Thank you :)***

LET IT GO

My roommate sent this to me, and I thought y'all might enjoy this. Have a great day!

GET READY TO BE SET FREE....

Let it go for 2005...
By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, stayingattached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have
continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are notjoined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their
part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and wasnever intended for your life, then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ..... LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your
worth.....LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........ LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents... LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude....... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him..... LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves.....LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....... LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2005 (and 2006 :)!!!

LET IT GO!!! Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then ...
LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle BELONGS to the Lord!"

Support Group For The Overly-Dramatic, Unreasonably Obsessive, Compulsive Worriers

They should create one of those. Don't you think? And no, by "they" I don't mean Katie (you have to go read that excerpt about her being the "they" that people always refer to. Hilarious. But seriously: who are "they", anyway?) Okay, okay, back to the original topic. Yesterday, Amber discussed her tendency to worry too much, which got me thinking about my obsessively worrysome self as well.

Why do we worry? If we have no control over future events, what's the sense in concerning ourselves with what "could be"? I was having dinner awhile back with some friends this past summer on the patio. It was a beautiful evening: it was warm and balmy, the stars were shining, and I was grilling and chatting with great friends. Guess what I wasn't doing. Enjoying myself. Why? Because I was too busy worrying! About what, you ask? Everything. I worry about everything - all the time. My friend D. and I got on this very issue because I just couldn't stop rattling off to her all of the awful things that I feared would happen to a friend of ours who had just gone to help with Katrina relief efforts. Now granted, she may be on the opposite end of the spectrum a bit, and she'll admit it: she might worry too little. However, she began sharing with me the very thing that I had mentioned earlier: why worry about things that you have no control over? You can't see into the future, you don't know for sure what will happen, so why. worry. Why get yourself all riled up over something that hasn't even happened yet?

Let's take this a bit further still and throw this question out there: why do we as Christians, feel the need to worry? Do we not rest in the Lord our God? But it's so easy to place our worries and fears at the foot of the cross, only to take it back again: all because we can't bear losing the control, right? Think about all the things that Satan give us to fear: illness, death!, famine, disease, terrorism, nuclear bombs. Some people even fear - fear! One Sunday not too long ago, my pastor preached on this very issue, and he had come across a list of phobias and thier definitions.

Did you know that you can have a fear of the mind? You can fear left handed people, men, flowers, the wind, and women? Did you know that you can fear bees, infinity, stars, and flutes? How about new things, dead things, numbers, or... dryness? You can fear step-fathers, beautiful women, laughter, Germans, chins, and vegetables. People have also been known to fear being stared at, the figure 8, eyes, becoming bald, light, and being tickled by feathers. You can have a fear of French people, learning, sleep, parents-in-law, certain fabrics, and sitting down. You can also fear books, slime, body odor, and the boogeyman. Seriously. You can.

However, no matter what the fear: no matter how crazy, irrational, and unreasonable that fear may be, time and time again, God tells us in His Word that we are to fear not!

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love" (1 John 4:18).

Take comfort in Him, and know that His plans are greater:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future'"(Jer. 29:11).

I'm sure I've quoted that verse before, but I love the profundity of it. Really think about what that means. We should FEAR NOT!, for the Lord has it all worked out.

"...Do not fear; only believe, and she shall be well" (Luke 8:50)

"We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

So you can take that fear of mirrors, money, constipation, clowns, or bicycles, and toss it out the window! Because our God is greater than any fear. He did not give us a spirit of fear but a sound mind, people! Our Lord promises us a sane, glorious future greater than anything we could provide for ourselves; all to further His Kingdom. Certainly we understand that as Christians it's not going to be all roses:

"But even if you do suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled" (1 Peter 3:14).

"Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and for ten days you will have tribulation. Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life" (Revelation 2:10).

Even in in trials, suffering, and sacrifice, we need not fear, because we will be rewarded in heaven! And well, let's face it: isn't the fact that we get to spend the rest of eternity with Jesus enough reward in itself? I'm going to leave you with two more verses to chew on for today, because they speak to me in a very real way regarding this matter. God bless all of you, and have a great day everyone!

"Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved" (Psalm 55:22)

...and finally...

"Be still, and know that I am God"

(Psalm 46:10).

I Truly Hate Mondays

Well, maybe not all Mondays, but certainly this one in particular. It was one of those weekends that just wouldn't slow down no matter what I did. Our band had a ministry gig for a women's retreat at our church Friday night and Saturday morning (which actually was a great time), and then all day Saturday I had a ministry-for-credit event for school again that I had to go to.

I tried. I tried to relax on Sunday night, to no avail. I even skipped evening service so I could perhaps kick back and enjoy the tail end of Sister Act (one of the greatest movies of all time. Don't pretend: you know you loved it too back in the day), or Home Alone (TBS had a great old-school line up last night. Fun.): didn't work. It was my friend Mel's birthday yesterday, and we threw a party for her at our house. So around 5:30 she came over and I tried to force upon her the greatness that is Home Alone... well, it wasn't as relaxing having someone there as it might have been if I could have been alone, so we got up, cleaned and went to the store. (I seriously almost spelled "store", "stoor". That's how tired I am.) Anyway, Mel is a youth leader at our church so she invited a bunch of kiddos to our house - which truly was fine because Leah and I are in choir with a few of them, and those guys are just a riot (kinda wierd that they are nine years younger than me: that just made me feel really old by the way). But seriously, 16 and 17 year old guys are a handful. They literally wanted to jump off of the loft onto the ground floor of the coolest!apartment!they've ever seen! lol... Love them with all of my heart, but I was reminded last night why I am not a youth sponsor as of right now. Maybe someday. Just not right now. lol

But there were a bunch of others there that were from our young adult group: truly the mix was great and we had a ball. The youth aside, no one left until 12:30 in the morning, which is why I'm hating this Monday. Anyway, I wish I had pics to share with you, but alas, I am still without a digital camera, so no pictures for you. (Hopefully Santa reads this blog and he'll have picked up on some major hints along the way by the time Christmas rolls around.)

Well, not nearly as random as Friday, but certainly not exciting by any means. Just felt like babbling today because the brain's not quite all there to be able to throw together anything remotely stimulating. So you get a weekend recap. How exciting for you. So... how was your weekend?

Could I BE More Random?!

In the spirit of Chandler Bing from Friends, ladies and gentlemen! I told you I'm obsessed! Okay, well, I've figured out (speaking of that outstanding show) that I can find a Friends quote to suit any situation. Honestly, I don't even try: it's like a sick compulsion that I have absolutely no control over. And usually, it's when I'm talking to my roommate, Leah. She understands. She gets it every time. I've tried to drop a Friends line to other people, and they just stare at me like, "what the poo are you talking about?" So I've just stopped trying. I don't want to be that person. You know who I'm talking about: you know that guy who runs around and randomly quotes stuff from like Star Trek because in thier head it's funny, but in reality NO ONE ELSE GETS IT. Yeah. I don't ever want to be that guy...or...girl, I mean.

But since we're on the subject: I've also concured that I think like a guy when it comes to stuff like that. Ladies, you know that guys love quoting movie lines. It's like they're born with the gene and there's absolutely no getting around it. Yeah, well somehow I got that gene too. It's really terrifying: nine times out of ten - I know exactly what they're talking about. Unless it's from The Godfather or any war movies: can't help you there. Don't enjoy war movies whatsoever. And it's not that I don't like The Godfather... I just haven't seen it yet. So guys: if you want, feel free to bring over all of the Godfather movies, and we'll have a marathon... but then I will have to force you to watch Sweet Home Alabama to even things out a bit. I hope you're okay with that.

Speaking of guys: I'm officially terrified. "Strange", you say. I agree. But I just discovered this a few days ago... I'm completely and totally socially deficient around the opposite sex all of a sudden. One bad experience, and look what happens. I mean, the guy friends that I had before this epiphany, they're in the safe zone: for the most part. Well, actually, as long as I could never see myself dating them (ie: they're like a brother to me, they're married), then they're in the safe zone. And so now, any guy who crosses my path, I'm suddenly speechless and nervous and - totally not myself. How bizarre is that? My married friend J. told me last night that "this is just a season, and this too shall pass", and that I shouldn't get too spooked because that's just as bad as giving too much of my heart. Well what the crap am I supposed to do then? I know! I'll move to a cabin deep in the mountains of North Carolina: no boys will ever find me there!

But so I do have this great brother-type friend C. who cracks me up. This kind of ties in with the quoting movies thing... well, kind of but not really. Okay, because last night I'm on the phone with the guy and I could. not. stop. laughing. THIS guy has an affinity for sitcom theme-songs. I met him at the karaoke lady's Tuesday night show awhlie back, and that very night, he busted out with the theme song to All in the Family. I just. about. died. I mean, he actually sings the high squeaky annoying part and everything. The guy is a riot. So now, he's taken to calling me, yelling at me if I answer, calling back again, and leaving a myriad of sitcom songs on my voicemail. The other night I got The Facts of Life, Different Strokes, and Silver Spoons. Then, last night while I was at school, he sang The Golden Girls to me. I about fell out of my moving car I was laughing so hard. So I'm talking to him when I get home last night and my psychotic roommate was still up. She was on some manic frenzy of some sort or another, and once she finds out who I'm talking to, she bounds onto the futon, demands that he go on speaker phone, and begins barking orders at him to sing to her every sitcom theme song from the eighties. Suddenly, he's crooning to my roommate with Who's the Boss, Family Ties... it's terrifying people: he knows every last word. And it's hilarious.

So then at one point, Leah gets really close to the phone and says in her most serious, deep, quizzical voice... "Do you know.... Rainbow Brite?"

C: *silence* "...yes..."

Leah launches, nay, HURLS her little body backwards on the couch, legs and arms flailing about in a fit of uncontrolable squeals and laughter as C. proceeds to sing to her every 80's cartoon theme song including... you guessed it... The Smurfs. This went on for way too long, and we were up way too late, traumatizing my poor friend C.

This is where I tell you about how awesome my little psycho roommie is. Because she kept me up so late with her antics, and because we have a ministry gig with our band tonight that I had to get up and get all polished for this morning (ie: not just wiping the sleep out of my eyes, taking a five second shower and going to work), I asked her to wake me up after she got out of the shower. She walked in my room this morning with a big smile and a cup of the pumpkin spice coffee that she bought me yesterday (because she knows of my obsession with all things pumpkin in the fall) with cinnamon creamer in it and put in on my night stand. HOW GREAT IS SHE?!

...And here's where it all ties in: since I'm scared of boys who endlessly quote movies and make me nervous, I'm just going to live with my super nice coffee-making roommate Leah and her three cats for the rest of my life, all while my friend C. entertains us with his unique talents - from afar. Sounds like a good plan to me: what do you think?


***P.S. For those of you who look forward to Theology Recap Tuesday, I'm sorry I let you down this week. But fear not faithful followers! You will get a double-dose next week!***

Hallellujah!!!

I think I finally was able to get the link to Mr. B's site to work. Please go check him out: his stuff is truly Amazing!

Also, please take a minute to stop by Steve's site and listen to the new songs he posted. I recently asked him to record and post "What If" by Jadon Lavik, on account of the fact that it's such an annointed song, and I just knew that Steve would do an outstanding job and bless my heart with his version. So go say "hi" and let him be a blessing to you too!

While I'm bragging on all of my favorite people, I'd like to encourage you to check out Katie's site: she and I have a tendency to minister to one another...well...daily, and today is really no different. However, I'm convinced in my heart of hearts that she wrote today's post specifically for me. Go say hello and love on our dear friend Katie today.

Also, I stumbled across Misdee's site from The Netherlands who's husband Peter is waiting for a heart transplant. Would you please stop by to encourage her with your prayers? When two or more come together in prayer... mountains can be moved. Let's move some mountains for this family people!

"The LORD, He is God" Part 2

I skipped Theology recap Tuesday completely by accident. I promised in my comments yesterday that I would make up for it today. However, there was an extention to yesterday's comments section that no one was able to see which I would like to share with you today. It spoke to my heart in a pretty big way, so I'm hoping that you find it to be a blessing in your lives as well.

As I'm sure all of you saw, B. Gardner chose to comment on yesterday's post via email. I have Mr. B.'s permission to post yesterday's correspondence, so the following is the conversation that took place between B. and I:

*******************************************************

Stephanie,

Thanks for your kind posts on my blog - I want to respond to your post today, and figured it would be longer than I should post in your comments. I just want you to know that you are not the only one who feels the same as you do - espeically with your first paragraph today "How is it that we can feel so close to God one moment and so absolutely desolate and apart from Him the next?." Here's an excerpt from a post I made a few months ago on another blog of mine:
-------------------------------------------------
"God will show his mercy forever and ever to those who worship and serve him." Luke 1:50.

This is the passage of the day in Max Lucado's book "Grace For the Moment." Max goes on to say that "God's delight is received upon surrender, not awarded upon request." He is so right, God, and I hear you talking to me through these words, yet surrendering 100% seems so difficult. I know that surrendering means giving you everything. All of the things that I hold on to. All of the things that I think have value. Again, it's about obedience, not about discernment. You ask me to give it all up to you. Shane says to be the greatest, you need to become the least. But how can I do that when I want to see a reward? I should be doing it soley for the reason of pleasing you.

But I want something in return. Why is that? Why am I so selfish? Sometimes I want to surrender so that I can feel your presence. I should surrender because I love you. And that should be it. Nothing more to the story. I think the main reason I'm afraid to surrender is because I feel that I will be giving something up. Giving up things that make me happy. They shouldn't. But they do. Somewhere in my mind I truly know that life goes back in the box. As do the things that we enjoy in life. When you ask me to surrender, I know you want every piece of me. Not a part of me. Not most of me. All of me.

For just a glimpse the other day, I was there. At the edge of the canyon, with nothing in between us. I would have walked off the cliff if you had asked me to - for I knew that your hands were there to catch me. But then reality sinked it's teeth back into me, and our moment was gone. Back to life. Back to reality. And every hour he tries to pull me back into his world. By telling me that I can't be with you 100% of the time. And sometimes I believe him.

Just because I don't feel your presence all the time like I did on my way home, doesn't mean you're not with me, right? That was a time for you to breathe life into me, right? To show me that you have not left me, and that I am welcome home, right?

I stand at the edge of the canyon God and declare spiritual bankruptcy. I have nothing but debt. Nothing saved up, nothing to offer to you other than myself. I need you to extend your grace, and wipe my slate clean. I need you to do what you've done for others, and save me. And I know that I haven't done anything bad, other than live in the world, and push you aside. There isn't the "unforgiveable sin" this time. But I also realize and understand that in your eyes, sin is sin. Whether it be an isolated incident, or simply drifting from you.

Our encounter the other day was enough for me to continue. Enough for me to know that you're there, and that you haven't abandoned me. I'm pretty sure that's why it happened. To give me hope. To give me the motivation to keep going. I thirst, God, and want to thank you for the cup of water you gave me. But I'm still here in the desert and I continue to thirst...
-------------------------------------------------
From a fellow Christian,
Mr. B =)

*******************************************

Mr. B:

Thank you for your thoughts. This is a very rough time for me, so rough in fact, that my faith, and the very theology that I've built that faith upon has been rocked. I've been finding that it's always about going back to the Word. Even if we don't want to. Even if we feel spiritually bankrupt. The answer always lies in God and His Word. Each and every time. And you know, often times I submit for the feeling too. But you make such a good point: it's about submission for the sake of love and nothing more. If we submit on account of our love and reverence for our Creator, He will bless that. He will bless us for that: and perhaps the feeling we get from that is greater... because it's effects are long-lasting. The effects are an edification, a building up of our faith that we wouldn't have had before we began; a connectedness with our Lord that can never be broken. I'm starting to think I'd take that over a fleeting feeling anyday.

In Him,

~Stephanie

*******************************************

Stephanie,

I'd like to share another blog post of mine:
-------------------------------------------------
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Words taken from 'The Road Not Taken' written by Robert Frost.

For some reason, God, you have always revealed things to me this way. I can't remember when I was introduced to this poem by Robert Frost, but I truly believe you did it with the intentions of teaching me a lesson. Why is it that we are always asked to choose between two things? I guess deep down I know the answer - you want to teach us something. You want us to understand that going down the road less traveled will end up in a totally loving relationship with you. But why is it that the temptation of going my own way always seems more inviting? Especially when I know how good it feels to live life your way? You know that for me, it's never been about discernment, rather about obedience. I know what will result when I choose not to take the road less traveled by - yet I still do it. How strong is the correlation between my relationship with you and the ability to choose right from wrong? I mean, why can't I just simply understand the decision before it's made, and realize that the consequences of my actions will take me further from you?

I guess that makes me the prodigal son. I have strayed from you. I have abandoned our friendship, and have replaced you with other things. I have fled from a home that welcomed me, and that provided me a love like no other. I'm sorry. I feel guilt. But here I am, God. A child lost. A son broken. I long to be back in your arms. I long for you to blanket me with love. But before you take me back, please help me to understand where I went wrong and how I managed to become so far from you. These are the things I hope to learn along the way back to you - so that during my journey home, your grace will be revealed in ways that will only make me stronger. I want you to have all of me, not just part of me. Before I come home and back to you, I want to be whole...
-------------------------------------------------
We all question life sometimes. We all question God, and his ability to extend grace. I feel sometimes I am beyond that, but deep in my heart I know better. If you have questions, ask God. If you have worries, tell him. I'm sorry to hear about your rough times. I want to encourage you not go to God if you're feeling spiritually bankrupt. He doesn't want our pride. He wants to know we are hurting and that we are totally and completely dependant on him. He will reveal himself to you - in a way that will make you realize that he's the only way.

*****************

This is where I'd like to interject and point out that we had a bit of a misunderstanding. It read in B.'s last email: "I want to encourage you not go to God if you're feeling spiritually bankrupt. He doesn't want our pride." (This was a typo on his part, but either way, I responded to it:

*****************************************

Mr. B.:

"Beautiful and amazing. I can absolutely relate to this too. Thank you so much for sharing all of this - you have really been ministering to me in a huge way today. "I want to encourage you not go to God if you're feeling spiritually bankrupt. He doesn't want out pride." I don't however, fully agree with this. I do agree that he doesn't want our pride. I would suppose, that it really depends on each individual's definition of "spiritual bankruptcy". For me, it's that image I portrayed in my post today about "plopping on the ground, wondering just where God went". For me, it was a slow process of a lack of feeding myself spiritually until I found myself in a place where the enemy was feeding me questions about God's existence: about Jesus' reality. Not that I ever turned away: but I seriously doubted. Like I said earlier, my faith was rocked. And when that person told me to pretend: well you know what? I'm sure God was grateful enough in the fact that I mustered up enough faith to open his Word and to start reading. He's perfectly capable of turning our hearts back toward Him even if all we give Him is obedience for the sake of being obedient. God knows we're human, and that our sin nature keeps us impure. He works with what little we're willing to give Him - because he's merciful. He gives us what we don't deserve: Grace. We're pardoned - every last bit of us is pardoned through Jesus Christ. And I'm going to stop and help myself off of my soap-box now. I certainly hope you don't think I'm being combative for the sake of debate. I just truly believe this in my heart of hearts because I experienced His mercy last night in the midst of my doubt: I pretended, I opened up that Book, and I was amazed at how God ministered to my heart in the end.

I can see why you enjoy writing so much: you truly excel at it. God has given you quite a gift.

~Stephanie

*********************

Well, what poor unsuspecting Mr. B. had intended to say in his last email was, "I want to encourage you to go to God if you're feeling spiritually bankrupt. He doesn't want our pride." So the poor man basically got an earful for a misprint. But it made for great conversation! Read on:

********************************************

Stephanie-

The few things I have sent you from my blogs were from back in August. About a year or so up until that point, I drifted spiritually. Towards the end of July, and into early August, I began to feel the spirit talking to me about the whole idea of the prodigal son. That is exactly how I felt. I'm going to post a link to my original blog, which was more or less my prayer blog to God. If you truly want insight into what I was feeling, read all of the posts. (Some aren't in recent posts list, but in the archives) I think you might be in a similar spot, so I thought giving you this link would help: http://www.withoutarmor.blogspot.com/ "I just truly believe this in my heart of hearts because I experienced His mercy last night in the midst of my doubt." My post "Like a Waterfall" portrays the very same thing that happend to me - and my reference in Spiritual Bankruptcy about standing at the edge of the canyon was in response to that moment when I met God. If you happen to have Chris Tomlin's CD "Not to Us", listen to the last song, "Overflow." This was the song I was listening to when that moment occurred.

Mr. B

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So! Check out Mr. B's other blog for some truly inspirational musings. I'd like to thank Mr. B. for engaging me in some wonderful, edifying conversation, and presenting a challenge to me in my walk with God. I was truly blessed by yesterday's conversation, and I hope that you all have found a little something in it to have blessed your day today as well.

"The LORD, He is God; the LORD, He is God."

How is it that we can feel so close to God one moment and so absolutely desolate and apart from Him the next? Have you ever found that sometimes, even after your most amazing experiences with Him, that you can still plop on the floor in total and complete frustration and wonder where He is? I briefly talked about this in a recent post entitled What Builds Your Faith?, so you can reference back to that one if you'd like.

I'm reminded of Elijah on Mount Carmel in 1Kings 18, and 19. He was a great man of God: victorious in many ways. The Lord sent him into Samaria to turn it's people from Baal - to show them God's face. So Elijah challenges Baal's followers and says, "...I alone am left a prophet of the LORD, but Baal's prophets are 450 men. Now let them give us two oxen; and let them choose one ox for themselves and cut it up, and place it on the wood, but put no fire under it; and I will prepare the other ox and lay it on the wood, and I will not put a fire under it. Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the LORD, and the God who answers by fire, He is God" (18:22-24). Baal's followers agreed to this, and once the offerings were arranged, they began to cry out to Baal, continuing on from morning to noon with no reply. However, at the evening sacrifice, Elijah cried out to the LORD, asking Him to answer so as to prove to His people that He is God. "Then the fire of the LORD fell and consumed the burnt offering and the wood and the stones and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. When all the people saw it, they fell on thier faces; and they said, 'The LORD, He is God; the LORD, He is God'" (18:38,39).

Now let me just interject with a bit of commentary: When I first heard this story I had said, "WOW. If God used me in this way: if He used me to lead that many people to Him in such a powerful, miraculous way, I think I'd be on top of the world! There's no way that I could ever doubt again!" But let us look a little further into Elijah's story in chapter 19, where after Jezebel hears of Elijah's "antics" if you will, she sends a messenger to Elijah basically proclaiming her plan to put Elijah to death for what "he's done". Here we see Elijah slip into a deep depression: "But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die, and said, 'It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers'" (19:5)

Elijah is so distraught over his "impending death", that he seems to forget the magnitude, the sheer power of the God he is serving. Just a day or two prior, the LORD sent his fire from heaven to touch the earth before Elijah's very eyes, and yet rather than rejoicing in God's victories and trusting God to protect him, to see him through this, he sat forlorn and discouraged, ready to die.

It absolutely blew my mind when I (recently) heard this story, because as much as I wanted to marvel in complete wonder at Elijah's momentary bout of weakness and seeming lack of faith, I couldn't help but realize: I can totally relate. Even the greatest men of God, the most victorious, the most faithful: they all saw thier depressive moments, where they found themselves in pits of sorrow and despair so deep, they thought they might never get out. While we're in these "pits", when we experience our dark times, when we feel so low and so far from God... is when we need Him the most. Someone just recently told me: "Even if you can't muster up enough energy, enough faith to cry out to God and to get in the word, pretend. Pretend it will help. Pretend that God will hear you, even if you don't believe it at that very moment. I guarantee you: He will. God will remain faithful." And you know? It did help. And God reveals Himself to us in our faithfulness - even if it's purely faithfulness in our obedience: He blesses us for that. This reminds me of a song (of course), which I'll actually be singing this Sunday at church - rather fitting if you ask me!

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged

Why should the shadows come

Why should my heart feel lonely

And long for heaven and home?

When Jesus is my portion

My constant friend Is He

His eye is on the sparrow

I know he watches me

His eye is on the sparrow

I know he watches me

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

I know he watches over me

I'm going to also leave you with a Psalm that I came across last night that was such an encouragement to me, and I hope that it blesses your life in some way as well.

Psalm 121

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;

The LORD is your shade on your right hand.

The sun will not smite you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The LORD will protect you from all evil;

He will keep your soul.

The LORD will guard your going

out and your coming in

From this time forth and forever.

How precious are we to our Maker, our Creator, our Father, and our Comforter that He will keep us: that he will keep our souls and guard us now and forever? That to me is enough encouragement in these dark times to keep me going. Even if my faith seems significantly smaller than a mustard seed, I have to remind myself that I am His child, and so long as I am, He will be by my side, guiding me along the way: and that will never change.