Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Birthday Wrap-Up

I wish I had some grand story to share with you all about my birthday. No funny stories (well, there was the gift that I got from my much older friend, "Barney", which was a baby bottle filled with candy and a sucker in the form of a nipple on top... just to remind me of just how much younger I am than him. Little does he know, for his birthday, he's getting a wooden cane or a walker from yours truly. There was also the Barbie candles that I recieved as a gift to go on top of my birthday cake. (*Sigh* I'm really not that much of a princess. Really. I'm not. :) AND the three boxes of altoids? Is someone trying to tell me something?)

No excitement to speak of (well, there was the fireworks the night of my "family" party that lit up the sky for a good hour. Then there was the super yummy snickers cheesecake that mom made... oh! And the mini-surprise party that a bunch of my friends threw me after church the day of my birthday).


No one made a big deal out of it, whatsoever, I didn't get any good gifts, I had no fun at all, and my dreams of having a great birthday were crushed. (Not really.)

But on a serious note, I don't have any good pictures. I have a few posed ones with friends, and a couple with family, but nothing that would really excite any of you. My plan is to invest in a digital camera one of these days in the near future, in which case, this blog will be loaded with pictures. But until then, you're just going to have to settle for the one "mushy blob face" picture of me that I managed to upload from Picasa. (Still trying to figure out that program.)



Monday, August 29, 2005

I Think I May Just Move To Africa...

I've been saying quite a lot lately that I'm seriously considering a move to a far off land. Africa does sound nice... a little impoverished, sure, but I could make due. A friend of mine just moved to Hawaii today... I could go with her. I have friends of friends who live in Perth, Australia: I should crash with them for awhile. Would this be running away from a problem? That seems to be the common consensus. Are all those who have voiced thier opinions right? I say NO! I'm young! I'm adventurous! I want to go out and see the world! I want to get away from all the crap here in... oh. Wait. *sigh*

There's always going to be a part of us that wants to run when things get tough... especially relationally. Conflict, criticism (and not always of a constructive nature), confrontation... are all things that most of us don't care to have to deal with on a regular basis. Of course there's a definite amount of work that needs to and should go in to any healthy relationship to keep things rolling along. But unless you thrive on the rush and excitement of the "rollercoaster relationship", then it's nothing but frustrating and stressful to have to engage in an argument or "discussion" for the sake of someone you love... over, and over and over again. I'm sure you guessed that I'm no stranger to this, otherwise I wouldn't be "ranting" about it.


Relationships are so extremely complex... No matter who you're intertwined with, no matter the nature of the relationship. There are always going to be many different facets that make the two of you tick: and sometimes explode. More often than not, we find ourselves doing everything in our power to make these relationships work; because really, who wants to lose out on an extremely meaningful relationship? Who wants to see all that time and energy spent- wasted? Do you ever really want to have to tell someone that there's just "no way we'll ever make it as 'friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife"?

I see good in everyone. So it would take me getting hit by the proverbial Mack truck before I've finally had enough. I often times think I try too hard, love too much, and fight too little. That's a scary, rather vulnerable combo, wouldn't you say? I'm sure it depends on the individual that I would be dealing with. Someone who gives, tries and loves as much as I do, most likely wouldn't require me to have to fight. There's fighting for the sake of argument, and there's fighting for something you believe in for the relationship. I choose the latter, and even then, could we please only have to do it once in a great while? The other type of individual would be the one who preys on our weaknesses (ie: my loving too much, fighting too little) and uses it as a means of controlling the relationship. A means to fight. A means to get you while you're down. But sometimes, even that person (believe it or not) is worth keeping around if only they can change that one thing about themselves (and most likely with your help). But can you teach an old dog new tricks? Is it worth sticking around for and not running for the hills?

I choose the fight right now. But if I grow weary, does anyone have a couch in a far off land that I could crash on for a couple of months?



Thursday, August 25, 2005

Does Everyone Know What Time It Is??

It's Birthday Time!!!

Now, I don't expect anyone to get nearly as excited as I do about this, but I thought I'd just throw it out there so in case any of you decide that in celebration of this fact you want to send flowers, or fly from far off lands to Milwaukee to see me on this very important day, you'd know exactly when to do it. AUGUST 28th. SUNDAY. 2 DAYS FROM NOW. Just in case you were wonderding.

As a side note: I usually have a birthday week. It usually starts when the first card comes in. Then it lasts until I say when. And "when" usually doesn't come for a good week or two after the aforementioned date, when I'm all partied out and sick of everyone making such a big deal over me! (he..he..he...) So really. Now you know: You have a little wiggle room in case you can't make it here on Sunday. (Or if FTD doesn't deliver on Sundays... Monday is totally acceptable.) :)

Okay, only being a smart-aleck here of course, but I am excited for birthday time. LOVE birthday time. Really the only reason is because all the people I love (family and friends) usually come together at the same place on the same day to hang out and have a good time together (which otherwise never happens). That's always a blast. And fireworks! In true Amber spirit: Fire! works! Well, we went over that already. But just in case you were wondering if I am excited: Pretty! fire! works! Okay. I'm done.

So! Stay tuned for birthday updates: Stories, pictures and all the fun stuff that is bound to come from my turning the big
2 5.



Wednesday, August 24, 2005

So I've Decided I'm a Pyro

So I took my weekly trip out to my parents' house on Monday night to visit, have dinner, and do some laundry. They live pretty much out in the middle of nowhere in a suburb of Milwaukee, which is about a 30 minute drive from where I live. I don't know if it's like this anywhere else, but all summer in Wisconsin, you can't drive anywhere outside of the grand metropolis that is Milwaukee without seeing a fireworks tent every ten feet of your drive. So suffice it to say, my parents' house is surrounded by explosives- and my father and I (and the little boys next door) have a field day every summer parousing all the fireworks tents stockpiling for random events throughout the summer.
Seriously. My parents got married on the fourth of July. So, every year since, fireworks. Memorial day? Fireworks. Labor day? FIREWORKS! (Okay, I may be eggagerating JUST a bit. But really- any reason to light off fireworks. We're on it.)
So, I get to my parents' on Monday night, and my dad calls me out into the garage. He needs me to help him in with some stuff he bought at the store. I open the door, and there it is. Beauty before my eyes. Big. Massive. Fireworks. That come up to my knees... all for my BIRTHDAY!!! A couple friends and I are heading out there on Saturday (because I turn the big 2 5 on Sunday) and we're going to party like it's 1999 with - you guessed it- a fireworks display! (Seriously, any excuse). I'm so excited I can't contain myself. Which is why I really think I'm a pyro. I'm the one that lights the sparklers for the 85 kids in the neighborhood and pray to God that none of them start thier hair on fire. I have problems.

***Update!*** So Mr. Perfect, aka Hottest Guy Ever! aka Matt Dillon (after careful analysis, it has been concluded that he closely resembles Matt. mmm!) didn't show last night. It was decided that we were going to meet back up at my friend's karaoke show this week and "kick it" one last time before he "moved to Florida" (thanks Thomas for instilling the suspicion in me!). I actually would have liked to have seen him before then, but he made it very clear to me that that would make no sense. Here's his rationale: "I'm leaving in two weeks. Now I know you know this, but I'm going to remind you so we're both on the same page. I have absolutely no chance in hell of getting in your pants between now and the time I leave. So really, Stephanie, what's the point of our spending time together outside of here. You'll just get attatched, I'll just get extremely frustrated, and we both lose. Bad deal. I'll just see you here next week." Well, next week came and went. No Mr. Perfect. Boo. Having morals really thins out the options. But I suppose that's kind of the point: weed out the creeps before they even get a chance to strike. Good for the moral standing, but it still leaves me... say it with me everyone... DATELESS. Grrr. Ben & Jerry's, here I come.



Monday, August 22, 2005

10 Things I Love About Life

Short. Sweet. To the point (I don't do that very well. I'm usually rather long winded... see? Couldn't just be short and sweet. Had to go on and on anyway. Go figure. Maybe I should have just named this blog "Musings of a Chatterbox". hehe.)

Okay!

10 Things I Love About Life (in no particular order)

1. Spring!

2. Summer!

3. Fall!

Okay... let's try this again... heh.

1. The Seasons. And I would like to add in there the first four snowfalls of winter. After that, give me one of the other three seasons back.

2. Singing. It consumes me. I used to sing classical and opera (but that was mainly for study in college), I then transitioned into jazz, and have now found myself singing with the "rockin-est" gospel band in Wisconsin. (I didn't create it, I was added in- so that's why I can call it "rockin-est" without sounding full of myself.)

3. The Ocean. Any ocean, but I love the Pacific in particular. Not as cold, and it's clearer... and it's very fun to *attempt* to surf on. I'll have to show you my surfing debacle pictures sometime. Truly worth a good laugh.

4. Books books and more books! Especially books about God and faith-related things. Good examples would be... the Bible, Case for a Creator, When God Writes Your Love Story, etc. I also like to indulge in a good novel once in a awhile. I love reading... good times.

5. Music. Are we surprised?

6. I love travel and the outdoors. I wish I had a million dollars so I could go to the most exotic ends of the earth like New Zealand, Hawaii, Ireland, Italy, Greece... just to immerse myself and explore God's creation. As long as there is lush greenery, ocean, rolling hills, mountains, or other unusual rock formations to hike around on, I am there.

7. THUNDERSTORMS! Need I say more? (We just had the greatest storms around here four nights ago- amAzing... okay yes, I guess I needed to say more. Go figure.)

8. Coffee - Think this qualifies? Well too bad, I do. I LOVE coffee. It's a sick habit. But I suppose there are worse that I could have taken on...

9. My friends. They are definitely interesting! Without them, life would be so dull.

10. Last but definitely not least- Love. I love to love, and I love to be loved- and all the cute cuddliness that comes along with it. I'm such a girl, it's awful.

And there you have it folks! Ten things you never knew about moi! Stay tuned for more nonsense ramblings to come soon from yours truly!



Saturday, August 20, 2005

Me!


This is me! That's all. Posted by Picasa



Friday, August 19, 2005

I Don't Fear Being Touched...

I Fear Being Let Go.

But don't touch me too much.. or I'll kick you- hard.

This is my new anthem. Large (in spirit) and in charge- ready to take on the world. Like how I try and psyche myself into being stronger-willed than I really am? But it's really all about the positive self-talk! I AM strong-willed, I will NOT take crap from people! There ARE lines, I have drawn them, and you're NOT going to cross them, or I will make you SORRY mister! There! How about that?

*Sigh* I might have to read this over a few more times before I get the hang of this whole "new anthem" declaration thing I have going on. I kind of have a problem planting a firm foot on solid ground and bellowing a resounding "NO" when I need to. In any scenario... I'm a pretty big push-over. But I'm sure if you read any of my earlier posts, you'll have already figured that one out for yourselves.

I know a few of you are probably going cross-eyed trying to figure out what the crap I'm talking about. I know. And I'm sorry. Side note: It's not what you're probably thinking: no hanky-panky-style-action for this girl! There are eyes everywhere though: Otherwise I'd dig in deeper on this one. Just know that I'm a pushover and I need to work on it.

So say it with me everyone! I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR! ...or something like that... I'll get the hang of it one of these days. I promise.



Wednesday, August 17, 2005

How Can You Possibly Be THAT Hot?!

Okay. I'm going to stray from my usual rants about depressing things and talk about the gorgeous man that I met last night. Now, my friend Terri will giggle herself into a fit if she ever reads this post only because she was the one that half-heartedly introduced us last night and then witnessed the madness unfold. And just shook her head in shame all night for all three of us: herself for having introduced us (because apparently he's a bit of a playboy), him for knowing that I'm born again but attempting a valiant effort anyway, and me for even appearing that I might compromise my morals for this perfect specimine of a man (I didn't- and wouldn't of course). So in other words, Terri would think it ridiculous that I'm about to launch into a forever long diatribe about this person who, in reality I could never seriously consider dating long-term, but found rather captivating nonetheless.

SO! Mr. Perfect was just... yummy. (Reverting back to my teenaged years for a moment.) But seriously. No... seriously, he was. Let me give you a brief description to get you in the right mindframe here: 6'6"-ish, broad shoulders, dark hair, PERFECT smile, nice dresser, and smelled really, REALLY good. If that weren't dangerous enough, he's funny (hilarious, actually), witty, sarcastic (which is fantastic), and oh! Did I happen to mention that Mr. Perfect is 28, has a master's degree, and has just recieved a promotion at his job? His only downfall (so far) as mentioned before is that he's a bit of a playboy. Boo.

Oh yeah- and he's moving to Florida in two weeks. Double boo. God sure does have a sense of humor, doesn't he? It seems lately that any quy I meet worth entertaining the possibility of even just a casual date with- has some sort of circumstance that squashes said possibility. Just like that. God just doesn't want me dating ANYONE! (Not true, I know. Purely for dramatic effect.) But seriously, I'd go out with the guy once or twice just to go be taken out, partake in some good, stimulating conversation, and enjoy the company of a beautiful man for a evening out. Come ON! Is that too much to ask? (Sorry- the drama queen is out in full effect this morning.)

Anyway, I'm honestly not used to extremely gorgeous men spending mass amounts of time and frankly, ditching thier friends to talk to me. It's really not a lack of self-esteem that I posses here, I'm simply stating fact. It just doesn't happen. Not to mention the fact that I would even go as far as to say that he might possibly have been out of my league. Which made it even more wierd yet strangely flattering.
***Which reminds me: I should probably tell you a rather pertinent detail about myself: I just recently lost a pretty significant amount of weight. Now "what," you ask, "does this have to do with Mr. Perfect?" Everything. It is my firm belief that a guy like him would have NEVER approached me six months ago. And trust me... guys like that just didn't- they didn't even take a second look, much less a long first look. So perhaps the reason (perhaps? It's totally the reason!) that I'm so shocked that Mr. Perfect would take time out of his busy schedule of pool playing to talk to me for longer than a nano-second, is directly correlated with the fact that I'm still transitioning out my old mind-frame of not being even remotely attractive to members of the opposite gender. Where some girls can just go on and on about the hot guys that they meet daily without batting an eyelash, I have a slightly different perspective.***

Anyway! So, Mr. Perfect and I sat around for what seemed like hours talking, bantering, telling each other elaborate tales of ourselves and our fake occupations, seeing who can disappoint the other more with thier sad, pathetic existance (think city bus, trailor home, and working the streets for starters)- seriously funny stuff.

But it was just way too much fun; and he was way too beautiful, and I'm way pathetic. I can't help it! Some men are just enough to make a girl drool! You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm beginning dread the chilly weather that's just around the corner. I'm thinking a move to Florida might be a good idea. I could use a change of scenery anyway...



Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Clarity? No Thanks, I Rather Like Being Confused

I was reading a favorite blog of mine and the topic of her post today incited within me a need to understand something that I think all women just don't get- and maybe never will. M E N!!!!! (Back to bitter and cynical you ask? Who me?) She presented a scenario in which a guy would call, they would spend time together, and then he'd vanish for days at a time without a trace. Or even worse- make plans and then cancel last minute. Slightly rude! There's one word for all that. Control. It's so a control issue. I made mention to the fact that men (as much as women would like to argue against this) are much more intelligent and calculating than we tend to give them credit for.

Think about it: How many times on the dating scene have you as a women (assuming that you are a woman who is reading this- sorry guys) experienced a situation with someone in which he holds you at arms length just to keep you at bay yet always coming back for more, and doesn't give enough to ever make a full-fledged relationship with you possible? That's right, I'm talking about THAT GUY. We all know him. We've all dated him. And we've all wanted to pull our hair out by the time it was all over. But seriously... two big questions I have regarding this whole thing:

A. What is it about him keeps us coming back for more?

B. Why does he feel the need to assert the control in the first place, thus holding the poor woman caught in his trap- at arms length? I don't understand!?!

One could surmise a few conclusions based on... well not a whole lot of anything, since that's what this particular type of man seems to give us. So! Let's surmise anyway, shall we?
I. He's afraid to settle down
II. He doesn't want to settle down.
III. He has major issues
IV. All of the above

But there HAS to be other reasons. If we're going to talk about secular guys, it can range anywhere from he's afraid to settle down, to something just so elementary and completely carnal as just wanting sex - a lot - and having a girlfriend would complicate and compromise his "game". The reality of it is though, that we have the ability to take back that control. But this brings me back to Question A. For some reason we seem to always come back for more. Ask us, and we'll tell you: "He just has that... je ne sais quois about him that I can't quite put my finger on. But whatever it is, it makes him irresistable! I must be a glutton for punishment..." Yes, ladies, yes we are. *sigh* Men are exhausting. Maybe I'll just convert and become a nun... SO much easier.



Monday, August 15, 2005

A Whole lot of Something About Absolutely Nothing!

Since I can't think of anything to talk about that may not incriminate me at some point in the not-so-distant future, I'm going to ramble on about a whole lot of nothing- just because I haven't posted in a few days, and I'm sure my dedicated fans/readers are just DYING for yet another edition of "Musings of a Bitter, Cynical, and Slightly Dramatic Doormat". No, no, I won't continue on with that stuff either. Can't afford the last shred of sanity.

All I can think of today is how stinkin' freakin' tired I am. I came into the office this morning at 7:30am (always a pleasurable experience), pushed papers around for 4 hours, all the while just wanting to pass out face first in my keyboard. I'm thinking that they need to set up a cot for me in the breakroom so that I can get the quality beauty sleep that I so desperately need and deserve. But alas, they actually want me to stay concious and... work! Can you believe it?! I've consumed almost an entire pot of coffee all on my own, and I think I could still sleep for about 5 more hours if there was just a place I could lay my head.

Now I'm sure all of my dedicated fans/readers are thinking: "Wow, party animal! Take it easy on the vodka there, sister!" Yeah. Not so much. The reality of my situation is this: I regularily attend and am partially responsible for a bible study at a friend's house ranging anywhere from 2-4 nights a week, just depending on how very ambitious we are feeling that particular week. Usually we don't finish until VERY late, and I wind up walking into work the next morning with bloodshot eyes which tends to give the appearance that I had partaken in a massive bender the night before. Again, not so much. But I think everyone around here knows me well enough to know that that's not ever the case. So, I believe that I might recieve a little more sympathy from my co-workers than your average sleep-deprived walking hangover. Which is nice, but then again, it never gets me out of having to push papers around with a keyboard stuck to my face all morning long. Boo.



Thursday, August 11, 2005

Searching For The "Brat" Within

Now I must clarify something from my earlier rant entitled, "Discovering Self". I had described what I deemed to be an "intellectual, witty, funny, slightly sarcastic...brat" who was being stifled within in an attempt to satiate someone else's need and/or desire for me to live up to thier expectations of what I should be.

All of that still makes me shudder a bit, because as a side note, I came to the realization just yesterday that I have no one to blame for all of that- but myself. It is merely me choosing to let someone else dictate my actions and reactions... in a feeble attempt at gaining more acceptance, more love and a permanance that would grant me a greater level of importance in that person's life. Sounds almost kind of selfish if you really think about it, doesn't it? But here's what redeems me in all of this. I don't try to do all of these things for the sole purpose of feeling loved. More than that, I want that person to feel safe, loved, and comfortable because often times, they're not recieving that anywhere else, and/or the object of my "affections" usually has some sort of abandonment, anger, or other type of issue they struggle with that makes me reach out to them in hopes that maybe I can help. (I know, you're probably thinking, "wow, this girl has major issues!" Ah well- don't we all!) Sorry about the lengthy side note... back to our original programming...

SO! As I was saying. This "brat" that I referred to earlier. She is a brat! But probably not the way you're thinking. When I re-read my earlier post, I realized that I sounded somewhat like a teenager. The reality is, that as a 20-something adult woman, that brat is representative of my sassiness, my zeal for life, and my "take no prisoners" type attitude toward the things I'm most passionate about. I'm definitely living it, but I don't "own" it. I'm sure you understand what I'm saying.

So there you have it. My extremely long-winded, overly-analytical, introspective explaination of my definition of the word, "brat". Hope your day is a lot less stressful than mine probably seems to be. :)



Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Fun For All Ages!

These are some questions posed to me by a fellow "blogger" who is far more advanced in the blogging world than I. I will do everything in my power to answer these questions as best I can- but I should warn you... my morals might get in the way a bit ;o)

*******************

Question 1: What dead celebrity would you like to meet and why?

~ Shakespeare! Why? Well he is one of the most brilliant literary minds of all time. Besides, "celebrities" really don't do it for me anyway... you want to get me excited, talk to me about books and poetry.

Question 2: What is your earliest childhood memory?

~ Believe it or not, I remember being in my crib. I guess no real specifics on that one. I just find it bizarre that I remember that far back.

Question 3: If you could live anywhere, and in any time period, where and when would that be? Why?

~ You know, I really like the conveniences of living in the 21st century. I don't have to venture out into the great outdoors to do my business or any such thing- modern living is great! However, if I could chose anywhere in the world to live- even for just awhile, I would chose Italy most likely- the landscape is just breathtaking.

Question 4: Name the five most recent songs you have listened to.

~ Well this could be very boring. The last two stations I listened to were the jazz and classical stations. So no titles that I can think of.

Question 5: Shag (So in my world, the definition of "shag" would be to innocently date :o), marry, or push off a cliff: Jake Gyllenhaal, Abraham Lincoln, Papa Smurf.Good luck!

~ Jake Gyllenhaal: If he's half as sweet, funny, witty, intelligent, etc... as he is "nice looking", I'd marry him! Abraham Lincoln- um... eew! Papa Smurf: Are ya' kiddin' me?

_____________________________________________________ Want to play?

The Official Interview Game Rules:
~1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying “interview me.”
~2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person’s will be different.
~3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
~4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
~5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.



Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Discovering Self...

Well I suppose that I should start by telling you about the most significant part of me that will be mentioned constantly; that being that I am a Christian... which means that God is a huge part of my life. I would like it if God could be everything in my life, but because I can't ever seem to let go of EVERYTHING and give it all to Him, I find myself battling - you guessed it - myself.

Which brings me to my original thought for the day. Discovering self. People do all sorts of things to "find themselves". Now, as a Christian this concept begins to drown among all teachings of God living in our hearts, God letting his light shine through us, etc. Moreover, we are to live as Christlike as possible- at all times. Now, I am NOT going to refute this ideology whatsoever, because I am a firm believer in all the aforementioned points. However, I do want to expound on the idea of our unique individuality that God granted us when he created each and every one of us. We are given gifts. We are given specific personality traits that God EXPECTS us to embrace and develop. And here's where I dive into the selfish side of my rant for the day...

One thing I know for sure about myself (tailing a close second to knowing where I stand in my faith) is that I am a HUGE people pleaser. Ouch! That's bad. But what's worse, is having to admit an even harsher truth which is this: Because I am always out to please everyone around me, I ALWAYS lose myself in my efforts. Big ouch. Think about it. If you have ever hopped on the "people pleaser bandwagon" if even just for a short while, you can totally relate. You want to make everyone around you happy. Even if it means tweaking how you act, how you react, sometimes even how you feel on the inside. What's terrifying is that I find myself going so far as to bend my morals and standards this way and that to accomodate someone else's sub-standard behaviors. Now I understand that I went on a bit of a tangent here, but stay with me: this all ties together.

Like I said earlier, when you find yourself in a place like this- tweaking, bending, just generally morphing for those you love (and/or shouldn't be loving in the first place), you begin to lose yourself. *dramatic music enters here* I know it's not some profound statement that I'm making... it's pretty common sense. But it does stop you in your tracks if you're admitting it to yourself for the first time (which, I'm obviously doing here).

So where is the line drawn? Where do "they" end and I begin? I can't make a clear distiction anymore. I'm so lost. Somewhere within me is this intelligent, funny, slightly dramatic, sarcastic, sweet... brat! Just dying to get out. DYING to get out. And I feel like the more I suffocate her... the closer to death she gets. What's a girl to do?

I would appreciate any and all comments/suggestions/related stories you would care to share. I expect that there will be a "to be continued" post to come soon...

Till then!

~Stephanie



Thursday, August 04, 2005

A New Way To Vent?

I think I've discovered something rather beautiful. The blog. How exciting! I can sit and ramble on all day about the things that matter most- which in my world is everything! I've found that as an intensely passionate person, I tend to put quite a lot of time, energy, and thought into almost everything I do, and everyone I love. A wise man once said about my "intensity": "To you, if it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing". Amen brother! So as this blog develops, I hope to be able to share my thoughts about all the things I adore, and that I might run across one or two people that can relate to my random musings about - everything!